Competition in Families

Since we grow up in an environment of competition, we carry this competitive spirit into our family lives too (how can that not be). Hence, siblings compete with each other (some parents actually encourage it) and even spouses compete with each other (who do the children love more).

We don't even hide our proclivity for competition and comparison by blatantly asking small innocent children, 'Who loves you more? Papa or Mama? Who do you love more? etc' and depending upon the child's answer (the smarter ones always say 'both' but the adults are not satisfied with such 'spoil-sport' politically correct answers) one parent would chime in, 'Who gets chocolates/ ice-cream/ video-games etc for you?" making the child feel that all the 'goodies' (god forbid) come with a price- you HAVE TO like the one who gets you more 'stuff'.

This is just a small example, I can give many more (and even if I don't, each one of you have your own unique ones to look into). But the fact remains that 'competition' between family members is the cause of all our relational/ societal issues. and each one of us is responsible for sowing this seed in our family. (we may mask this 'competitive spirit' well, but this is the one which creates fodder for all family gossip).

In my practice as a life coach (such coaches are needed because of the mess we ourselves have created), I come across many cases of marital discord; and the root cause of all discords remains just one- yes, the ubiquitous competition. It may show up in different forms/ avatars; but there is no running away from it. 

One very important step in coaching is letting a couple see that they are both on the same side. They want the same things for themselves and their children. I have seen that the moment this thought finds root, a break-through happens. The competition gets demolished. Otherwise, every well-meaning conversation/ observation ends up in perceived fault-finding, judgment, criticism etc. and provokes a befitting retort! (ending the communication in hurt/ sulk/ anger)

And how can that not be? This is exactly what we do in other areas of our life. We are always in a competitive mode. 

The concept of win-win appeals to me a great deal because it ensures a win for all....and that's what we all are. We are all winners. There are no losers here. The only loser is -Competition; and it's high time it lost! 

The game is up!